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How To Do A Facebook Cull – Hold A Facebook Funeral

How To Do A Facebook Cull – Hold A Facebook Funeral

Definition of a friend:

  • A person whom one knows, likes and trusts.
  • A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
  • A person who is on good terms with another.

How many friends do you have on Facebook? This time last year I was peaking at around 350. Is that a lot? I’m not sure. Many of my friends are in the 500/600 bracket, but I refer to those people as Facebook Whores (in the nicest possible way). Surely, going by the above definition, they don’t know that many people to hold in one of those regards?

Then there are my friends who hover around the 100 – 150 mark. A much more realistic figure to mirror their ‘real life’ surroundings, however many will presume that these people are new to Facebook and yet to build up their kingdom.

But taking a closer look, is that really the case? Recently I’ve started to have more respect for those with less friends. After all, this isn’t a popularity contest. It’s a platform to share sometimes your most intimate feelings, a place you’re happy to upload bikini photos, a place to tell people that you’ve just broken up with a loved one. Is that really the kind of information you should be sharing with mere acquaintances that you’ve met perhaps less than a handful of times?

I wanted to get my figure down to the 200 mark as a good start. Deciding who to delete from 350 is a tough job, especially as I wouldn’t count myself as a Facebook Whore in the first place. But I want more respect. So, who’s going for the chop? Well here’s my suggestion, which not only limits your Facebook friends, but also gives you some clarity and appreciation as to who your true friends really are.

I’ve named this Facebook Funeral. Simply put, which of your online friends would attend your funeral when that fateful day arrives? Be strict. They need to attend without any external force i.e. they would want to come and not feel they have to. Your girlfriends sisters friend that you see at birthday celebrations twice a year. Would they come other than out of support for your girlfriend? If not, bye bye.

With this simple rule, I knocked 350 down to a mere 96. Quite severe, but it made me feel good. But you can’t stop there. Sadly, more often than not, this number needs to rise due to exceptional circumstances. People that fall into this category may be exes that you wish to stalk, work colleagues and friends partners that it would be awkward to delete without your actions going unnoticed, and finally those who fall under the title of ‘useful’. You never know when you may need a favour.

I got my magic number down to 204. I’ve also been sad enough to make a spreadsheet of all my current Facebook friends, listing them in the three groups of ‘Would Attend My Funeral’, ‘Exceptional Circumstances’ and ‘Useful’. Every few months I will take a gander at the latter two categories and decide if they’re still valid. If not, it’s the chop for them. I only hope that when the day arrives that I’m put to rest, I can be hovering over the congregation with my spreadsheet, ticking people off, and hope I was right.


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